Source: Dr. My ears started ringing louder and louder making my head feel fuzzy. My chest felt hollow. No heartbeat. No lungs to fill with oxygen. Just a raw, vast hole where my heart used to be. I was looking at an unmistakably romantic email between my husband of 13 years and another woman.
For a relationship to work, the needs of each person have to be compatible. The truth is that sometimes, people outgrow relationships. Sometimes letting go with love and strength is better than letting the relationship dies a slow, bitter death. For the relationship to heal, and for there to be any chance of forgiveness, there has to be an understanding of how both people may have contributed to the problem.
What was missing in the relationship and how can that change? This is not to excuse the person who had the affair. Not at all. Let your energy turn to an honest and open exploration of the motive behind the affair. It is about responsibility, as in response-ability — the ability to respond.
STAGE 1: LITTLE STEPS OF COMPROMISE (playing with fire)
Healing will happen if both people can own their part in this. Many hard conversations will need to happen. As much as you are able to, try to be open to hearing the information and make it safe to explore. This is the information that will grow your relationship and repair the holes that have made it vulnerable. This was vital information that fuelled the affair, sustained it, and drained your relationship. This is the information you need to know for the relationship to get its power back.
Sometimes it becomes a case of either not being able to meet the need, or resentment and hurt wiping out the desire to even try. Both people need to honestly look at what they want from the relationship and what they are able to give to the relationship moving forward.
If this is the case, be honest. To the one who has had the affair: Now is your time to stand guard over the boundaries of your relationship. As with any trauma, finding out about an affair will create massive potential for the trauma to be re-experienced over and over.
4 stages of an affair - After My Affair
Let me explain. These feelings might include panic, sadness, fear, anger, suspicion, loneliness, loss. This will keep happening until the trust has been restored. The privacy that was there before the affair is gone, and it will be womxn for a while.
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They turn trusting, loving, open hearts into suspicious, resentful, broken ones. It would be that way for anyone. How long it stays that way will depend a lot on how you woman things moving forward. Be dating every minute of every day. Be an open book. Let there be no secrets. Knowing that there is nothing going on is critical to healing the anxiety and trauma that has come with discovering the affair. For healing to happen, it will be your turn to take responsibility for standing guard over the boundaries of your relationship for a while.
Be the one who makes sure there are no affair, no absences, no missing pieces in the day. And no secrets. If the person you had the affair with contacts you, let your partner know. Be the one who makes things safe again. It may become an obsession for a while. Forgive yourself for feeling angry or sad or hateful or for not knowing what you want. And let go of any shame — for leaving, for staying, for any of the feelings you felt before the affair or during it or afterwards.
None of the shame is yours to hold on to. Every relationship has a make it or break it point. Some relationships will have many. Forgive yourself if you missed something. This relationship involved two people. There will have been times that your needs went hungry too. It happens in all relationships from time to time.
And you deserved the chance to put back whatever was missing. You have that now. Most likely you have always been that to your partner, but somewhere along the way, life got in the way and things fell apart for a while. Right now though, you are going through a trauma. Give yourself plenty of time to forgive, and to start to feel okay again, whether that it is in the relationship or out of it. Be kind to yourself and be patient. You deserve that. Had always have.
Every affair will redefine a relationship. There will be hurt and anger and both of you will feel lonely and lost for a while, but if your relationship is worth fighting for, there will be room for growth and discovery. Good people make bad decisions. We do it all the time.Having An Affair? Advice For The Other Woman | HuffPost
We hurt the ones we love the most. We become, for a while, people we never imagined we could be. Rather than collecting the broken pieces and scraping them from dustpan to bin, they can be used put the relationship back together in a way that is stronger, more informed, wiser, and with an honesty and a love that is more sustainable. I could never believe that I will be cheated on until it happened. It was my worst nightmare. Still I stood through. For my son. I listened I held myself together.
I read positive articles and posts like this one. Because family is worth fighting for no matter how unworthy It would feel sometimes. So be gone for a while build yourself and they will see why they should w treated you better. Be the light in the darkness. Million years expected my husband who was so good respectful and kind treating me like his queen to break my heart by cheating on me in our home on our bed. I love my husband so much.
We had so many third parties when things were messed up and I so wish I had only a brief moment to get closure. I wish he could tell me what went wrong. I tried dating but I I could not cope. I grew up in the home you are describing….
I learned from my parents disconnection how to remain disconnected. As hard as it is to imagine, if you cant move forward in a loving connected marriage then you are doing your daughter a true dis service.
I have read so many of these stories and my heart breaks for all of you.
I will not get into my own sad situation, but I have done a lot of soul searching and looked into many kinds of books, resources, articles, etc. Think about this — from a biological standpoint, thousands of years ago, before affqir, and even the industrial revolution, life expectancy was maybe years, if you were lucky. Females needed a strong male with whom to reproduce, and needed him to stick around and protect the family until the child could fend for themselves.
The fact that there are so many people who feel restless, unhappy, trapped, had, and ultimately either end up cheating or withdrawing from their partners is just more evidence of this phenomenon. Why is that? Just another perspective. I fell out of love with my husband after I caught him cheating with his ex girlfriend. I stopped loving him. I also fell out of love with my husband. We have been married 31 years now. He had a 6 month affair back in During affair affair we went to counseling.
He lied and continued to deny. When I would confront him he would call me crazy and watch me cry with no emotion. I have since come to the realization that he is narcissistic. I now realize there were dtaing of other affairs that I was to gullible to see. I feel like a woman and have a lot of anger dating resentment. If you are not in to deep, get out. You deserve to be happy and have a loving trusting relationship. We had flown there on their private jet for a great weekend.
Something felt off. Like, nod off. It turns out he slept with someone else! And this was our wedding anniversary. Right before dinner with his family. Both my husband and I cheated on each other, several months apart. I was devastated but I forgave him. Then it and my turn. Being the woman, I got emotionally attached to my co worker.
My husband found out the day it happened and after being caught I chose to deny it all which enraged him and he hit me, so severely I had to have stitches.
We reconciled. Remember the first time you cried to me? The relationship is tainted. In fact I can think of now few right now. I want a beautiful beginning with someone I marry. Not very. She is most likely unhappy most of the time har the relationship, and it probably feels empty, lonely, frustrating and disappointing.
These are not things that are desirable in a romantic relationship, are they? I hope she realizes that she deserves better.
She deserves to date a man who respects her, adores her, is proud to walk down the street with her, introduces her to his friends, and loves her like she needs to be loved-not half the time. As far as the divorced guy, he needs to be in therapy, to find out why he cheated, aftair to begin to heal from his divorce. He is correct that he needs to take care of himself and his daughter.
But, he also needs to be kind to his girlfriend and think of her, too. He is being selfish in this regard and it makes me kind of mad.
Meet Sharina Hudson, the woman who broke Wendy Williams’ marriage - DNB Stories Africa
Let him go for now. You deserve better than what he is offering. Let him figure things out. That is not good for self-esteem. Jackie Pilossoph is the creator of her website, Divorced Girl Smiling.
Tap here to turn on desktop notifications to get the news sent straight to you. Having An Affair? Advice For The Other Woman. Calling all HuffPost superfans! Sign up for membership to become a founding member and help shape HuffPost's next chapter. Join HuffPost. This post was published on the now-closed Anv Contributor platform. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site.Sharina Hudson is an American masseuse who came into prominence after dating and having a baby for Wendy Williams’ ex-husband, Kevin Hunter. Sharina Hudson is widely reported in the media as “the woman who stole Wendy Williams’ husband”. A tabloid once named her “America’s most-famous side-chick of ”. The longer that the affair has been over, the more likely it is that the husband will have these sorts of feelings and can now see the affair (and the other woman) much more accurately and clearly. Understand That You Don’t Have To (And Shouldn’t) Compete With Her. Answer (1 of 11): It can be really hard. There can be a lot of judgment and non-acceptance from others. Speaking as a woman who did this very thing, I can tell you that people are NOT very accepting of women who cheat, no matter what the circumstances may be. I was married when I was in my early.